Essence de Microbus

You know what you really shouldn't take with you on a Microbus on a really, really hot day? Three bags full of raw fish.
You see, I initally thought that there nothing worse than the smell of sweat and stale underwear on a hot crowded microbus but as usual, turns out I was really naive. The low point was just about every miniature traffic jam when whatever breeze was blowing through the windows just stopped leaving you clutching your chest and clawing against the already tattered seat in front of you just waiting for sweet relief, even if it's permanent.
You know what's even worse than simply smelling it all through the ride? Having to maneuver your way through the aforementioned bags while the owner looks on innocently, causing your shoes to pick up the scent and keep you company for the rest of the way home, where you promptly burn them in a sacrificial bonfire while quietly weeping over their young prematurely snuffed out lives.

On a more pleasantly smelling note; HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOU!

Listening to : Sour Girl - STP

You thought it was just about wheels, did you?

Silly rabbit.

Ok that was lame…Anyway, moving on.

I’ve previously bitched and moaned about microbuses (MB’s) and metros but I’ve never mentioned terminals before, have I?

Terminals I’ve passed through include : alf maskan, el abbaseya , abd el menem reyad, el marg and maw2af el 3asher. The first 3 aren’t too bad really, they’re positively stylish compared to the last 2 which I only started to know of about 6 months ago when I moved. You see, I moved to a nice house and a nice neighborhood (where the neighbors are separated by a thankfully decent distance) in a “new city” but unfortunately it’s not always just about where you’re going but also about how you’re getting there. The same buses going to Obour city, Sherouk City and 10^th of Ramadan city happen to cross roads with those going to El Salam , El Nahda and a town called Alexandria (not that Alexandria) which I only know of with the help of the tireless vocal cords of the scary gentlemen always dangling out of MB’s but I’m not entirely sure where it exists on actual land.

Maw2af el 3asher is quite amusing really, once you get over the psychological trauma and cultural shock that is. You walk into that place and on your left are people selling fruit, screaming competitively what are apparently cheap prices at the top of their lungs. You walk in a little further and this strange, exotic odor hits you like a wall. You’re not quite sure what it is until you spot what seems to be sort of an open buffet and salad bar on your left. In other words; carts with really tall bucket-like structures filled with things like beans (I think) and old cheese (the “old forgotten at the back of your fridge because you’ve been too much of a lazy ass to pick it up and throw it out for the past year” sort of cheese) each covered with the most flies I’ve ever seen at one time. Would you like some Salmonella with that, sir? Followed by a variety of pickles (Fear not, those come with flies, too!) and those strangely shaped plastic containers filled with liquid licorice and what appears to be milk (again, I’m just guessing). Underneath it all is a smell I’ve found to be existent in every terminal I’ve ever been to (even the stylish ones). The smell you know is there but you’re hoping is not .The smell that conjures up terrifying images in your mind .The smell that turns your stomach and kills your appetite for the week. Yes, it’s the smell that indicates that many wanderers in these here parts have confused this public area for a urinal. Heck, the entire Abbasia square smells like a friggin’ toilet sometimes. Anyways, after you pass through there a few times, you just learn to turn off your lungs for a few seconds and never mind the brain damage.

After that you’re met by the cars, their drivers and the “dangling men”. It’s like an attack of bees. You’re suddenly surrounded by people screaming unintelligible names of places at you all at once and pointing towards those heavenly vehicles of theirs. Is this what it feels like to be a rag doll? And don’t you dare get in an empty MB while another half full MB going to the same destination is standing there! They actually start fighting over the “customer” and their street vocabulaire starts to demonstrate itself in its most extravagant forms.

Damn, I never knew you cared guys! And now I’m a little scared that I do….

As for el Marg, well, I went there at the beginning only when I was trying out all the buses and almost ran towards the metro station once I got there. All I can say is imagine the same “maw2af el 3asher” atmosphere with slightly less of an odor and many more people who look like pickpockets and cut throats. The best description belongs to my father who dropped off a handy man there (and consequently told me never to go there again): It seems like the residents might one day take apart the metro and sell it as spare parts when it pulls into that station.

*Sigh*Truer words have never been spoken, Dad.

I should really start making my posts shorter ….

The Public Transportation Saga continues : Le Metro

Did I ever mention that I sometimes have to ride the Underground Metro/subway sometimes, too? No? Well, now I have.
Ever since we moved 3 months ago to one of the new cities built on the outskirts of Cairo to realize the dream of having a house of our own (we generally dislike um...neighbours) I've come in contact with the metro too!
My mom drops me off in the morning at a Metro station on her way to work and I take it to College. It's very practical actually, 10 mins and I'm there. If I happen to finish around the time my mom gets off work , I take the metro to meet her and I'm microbus-free for that day.
The thing is , just like microbuses have their highly entertaining events which make for great small talk topics , so does the metro.

Today for example, one metro- in the direction of Helwan- broke down. As a result,the next few metros were so congested , it looked like they were about to burst open and spit out the people filling them to their limit. It was totally comical waiting for a car where there was enough space to fit in. The metro cars pass by and you see faces, backs, bags, hands and clothes stuck to windows cartoonishly. When the doors open a bunch of girls pour out screaming (I don't know why they were screaming really but obviously they felt compelled to do so) and trying to pull their bags, hair and veils out with them. I worked up the courage to get into one of the cars and I've never rested my chin on so many strange heads and shoulders in my life. At one station a ..um..heavy-set woman waltzed in and demanded that I make some space. "I wish I could move lady but there's no space" to which she replies "space? Why there's plenty of space!".
O RLY? Then pray tell why am I forced to sniff your hair for the next couple of stations?

It's not an unusual sight to see a shoe or an arm stuck in between one of the doors while I'm on my way out of the station. It takes the conducter a while to notice the screaming but he eventually opens the doors again before he severes a limb. To be honest, it's not really his fault. It seems that some of passengers can't quite grasp the concept of having to move into the empty spaces in the car and away from the door to let someone in before the doors close. It's a complex concept I know.

Then there's that annoying policy of "Nazla? Nazla ? nazla? hah hah hah ? Nazla? " ...I swear that I'm getting off at the next station, honest to God and all his prophets , I promise you from the bottom of my heart that I'm getting off and may God strike me dead if I don't!
....Another "Nazla?" has to be thrown in for good measure though after all those promises are made....

I've noticed something weird about the way people deal with ticket machines. Besides of course suddenly finding a stranger squeezing in with you while you cross because she/he just happened to "forget" buying a ticket. The thing that I've noticed is that despite the fact that about 10 machines are working just fine, people seem to gravitate towards the 2 or 3 crowded ones. Is it because it's hard work checking the screen to see if the machine's working? Is it because the ones being used heavily are more likely actual ticket machines rather than say , a gateway to a parallel dimension (as if anyone would notice) ? Is it just the sweet smell of armpits that makes your day worth living?

Sigh...Questions , Questions.

I always take the ladies' car and on one occasion , this poor schmuck got on just before the doors closed by mistake. This lead to screams of protests : " A man! Men aren't allowed here!" , " We can take him to the police station when the metro stops!" yes ladies, because that poory scared guy is going to kidnap/rape/harrass/kill a car full of screaming vicious hyenas..err women ...then an empty semi-circle formed around him immediately with his back pressed to the door. It was like an invisible force field automatically goes up around any men in the ladies' cars.

And I can't sign off without mentioning the beloved sound of " tick, tick , etshfooo" ..Yes, that's right. You hear that sound and you realize someone is snacking on flax seeds or "lib" right behind your ear. I mean let's be rational, the lady behind me has gotta snack on something right? She has one hand free, a full set of teeth and a long metro ride home, so why shouldn't she spit out those darling little salivated missiles?

Well this post is long enough now and I'm sorry to have bored you if you've made it this far :D .

Bub-bye for now.