It's a fact of life that your parents will always do things that drive you crazy. They will always misunderstand and annoy you. They will sometimes make you feel like choosing the hardest wall in the house and banging your head into oblivion.
One of the problems with getting older is that you tend to realize that no matter how many times you argue, one day they'll be gone and you're going to miss them sorely.
Then you feel like a complete idiot.
Please tell me I'm not the only one over 10 years of age and of a supposedly sound mental state who has to exert a great deal of effort in order to restrain herself from running delirious with joy down the toy aisles in a hypermarket?
Anyone?
I find the idea of parallel dimensions quite charming. I'm somewhat pleased to think that somewhere out there in the vast and (possibly) infinite universe, there's another "me" who's making better, smarter choices.
At the same time, I find it rather comforting to think that somewhere out there in the vast and (possibly) infinite universe, yet another "me" is looking right at me with her mind's eye and thinking the exact same thing.
I always find it weird how other people are so much more sure of my talents and potential than I personally am. I try to calmly and gently tell them that they've got the wrong idea and that they're overrating me beyond belief, but they seem to hold on to the idea that I will become the living proof of how they are insightful enough to foresee who will succeed and will not.
Nobody knows what the future holds but I'd like to go ahead right now and apologize for disappointing everyone... just in case.
High Hopes - Pink Floyd
When I'm finally starting to realize that I'm not nearly as "special" as I thought I was. Whenever I start feeling good about something, there's just something around the corner that kicks my ass right back into reality.
And will someone kindly explain to me just why do I give so much crap about what people I all but loathe think of me?
Me and myself are very displeased with each other...
And here is the appropriately titled...Sucks to be you- Prozzak
It's awfully depressing when you realize that you have the ability to spend the entire day coming up with creative ways to watch hour after hour pass by without doing anything that actively validates the air you consume until the entire day manages to slips away .
(O how delightful...I can rhyme.)
"Friends" are always really interesting when they're not really willing to live up to the less pleasant aspects of friendship. It's not their fault though I suppose. I mean, it's exhausting being nice and helpful all the time.
I also get pretty interesting and it's not my fault I'm vindictive.
Listening to : Ladytron - Destroy everything you touch
Do I secretly strive for his attention because I actually like him or simply because my ego can't handle the fact that his attention is exactly what I fail to receive?
Perhaps someone should let my ego know that I'm not in high school anymore and spread the word around the rest of that sorry place parading as my brain.
Listening to : Cat Power - Metal Heart
So I had an Obstetrics and Gynecology exam recently. It was one of those exams where they threateningly go "SHIFT!" every 5 minutes (or so they say-- it feels like we shift according to the time it takes a resident to yawn in between well.. shifts). As a result your brain goes into overload and fries itself until it recovers of course right after the exam and you wonder how you could have been such a moron to mess up like that.
So I go in all ready for action. I was going to do all that I could with the patient in the hypothetical 5 minutes that I had. I choose the first relatively high surface I find to begin writing on. I go ahead with the questions and the patient quietly says " Doctor, do you mind my stomach, please?". I look down in horror to realize that the "high surface" I have chosen is the pregnant patient's belly and not a commode of some sort. Then again, you'd think I would find it suspicious that there's a commode sprouting out of the middle of the friggin' bed. *Facepalm*
It gets even worse when she answers one of my questions by saying "this is my tenth pregnancy, I've had nine miscarriages". She then adds with a glare " I hope this one works out!".
Now, where's that dude telling you to shift when you actually need him!?
Meh. It's kinda weird really. Here I am in my very last year of college (um..finally) and I'm feeling just like I felt in High school. Difference is just that I dress (slightly) better. I'm all caught up in my angsty music and caught in the pursuit of a variety of hobbies just trying to see if there are any skills I have left in me that I might have - heaven forbid - mistakenly overlooked. And may God help anyone who even mentions me and marriage in the same sentence. Except if you happen to be my mother.
Yes, it's pathetic I know, but it seems the closer I get to graduation day , the more I revert back to the person I was 5 years ago.
I have an insane longing to be completely careless and immature. I'm looking for a way to gag that nagging voice in the back of my head that goes by the name of "sensibility". Screw sensibility. Maybe, I want to get into trouble because I've always stayed out of it. I've never gotten into any mischief as a youngster but now I realize what a huge mistake that was. I should have indulged when I had the chance dammit!
However, the more likely explanation is that I'm chicken. I'm too chicken to grow up and I'm too chicken to step out from behind my books and take off my sheepish " am only twee yearz old!" grin off my face and move on just like everyone eventually does.
Lately, I've been finding it very annoying when someone tells me to "relax" in the middle of a discussion. People, seriously, I'm not angry. Being overly enthusiastic and I must admit, overly animated when I speak does not equal being angry. What really pissed me off though is people telling me to "relax" in the middle of the conversation when they're run out of things to say just so they could come out as the bigger person and I could come out as the hot-headed girl who needs anger management.
And yes, I am actually relaxed as I write this.
I've never exactly been a social butterfly. Thing is, it's never really bothered me until recently. Well, until my 22nd birthday a few weeks ago to be exact. I was happy with my tight-knit group of friends , happy with others beyond them being almost completely oblivious to my existence and especially happy believing that I didn't have to put energy into trying to charm ( whatever charm I could muster, of course) people I really couldn't care less for .
I mean if you had to logically choose between a ton of acquaintances you barely know and a small group of good friends, you'd choose the latter, right? Well, I've always believed in that idea and I'm starting to believe that I've been enforcing this rule a bit too strictly. I'm getting older and quickly losing the privilege of being able to deal only with people I like and making myself invisible to others. I'm less than a couple of years away from working and the thought of having to deal with a group of people, most of which I probably won't be all chummy with, scares the hell out of me. The idea of having to put myself out there, scares the hell out of me.
Man, growing up sucks...
In this edition...Procrastination and ridiculously inappropriate emotions.
Procrastination: I don't know how or why med students gained this bizarre reputation of spending most of their waking (and some of their sleeping) hours glued to their chairs , hard at work amidst all those text books. "Da7a7" is a particularly favorite term the populace use to describe us. I mean sure, we have insane amounts of work and very little time and/or energy left to do it after going through all those rounds and private lessons but guys...just cause we have a lot of work, doesn't mean we actually do it. Since I've started medical school, I've noticed that we've all developed terribly exciting hobbies like sitting around watching the clocks go by with our mouths agape (sometimes a little drooling , too) , walking around the house/streets , wildly gesticulating and wondering how we're supposed to pull this off or sitting in front of the television with our eyes empty and glazed and again with our mouthes hanging open. It doesn't matter what's on , as long as it's colorful , pretty and doesn't require 200 multiple choice questions to be solved right after while the material is still fresh. It's simple really, we have the time and yet we waste it. You could blame it on anxiety , avoidance , denial , low self-esteem or even perfectionism. Going through an educational system which stuffs massive and often useless amounts of information into your head and expects you to perfect it from A-Z will do that to you. Internal medicine for example is approximately 1000 pages and that's basically like studying a dictionary by heart but unlike a dictionary , at least 300 pages are full of crap that is never even applied clinically. Combine that with insane time tables that fit the university staff's social life and vindictive professors (I'm not sure who they're seeking revenge on exactly but apparently we're pretty high on that list .) who , you know , just for the heck of it decide to slam us with a test that's meant for someone hoping for a master's degree rather than a lowly undergrad ( not that even a postgrad student would pass it, mind you ). Ya know...just to stir things up a bit...cause a few riots in front of the dean's office , a few fainting spells in the middle of the tests or some simple mass hysteria. That sorta stuff.
The maximal form of procrastination , though is how at least 1/3 of a 1600 student class postpones a test each year for 3 months. I never really understood how it was O.K. for part of the class to take the test in September and the rest to take it in December with no consequences whatsoever. It was originally intended for situations like an illness , a death in the family..etc but now it really isn't all that necessary to have a good reason.You just pay a 100 pounds and that's it...3 extra months at your disposal. We all start the year together, know about the exams together , yet it's O.K. for some people to take tests later than others and still get the same treatment. It's O.K. to leave that back door open for those people who just can't get their act together on time. I know what panic attacks feel like and I know how it's like when you feel like you're likely to vomit if you read another word but is it healthy to promote this sort of mentality among people many of which are expected to make life or death decisions at a moment's call? Don't try to make sense of it..I've been trying for five years and I'm still not there yet.
Inappropriate emotions : I've been worried lately about the mental reactions I've been having. I'm not being dramatic when I say I think I'm slowly dying inside. It's like I'm being replaced by a cyborg known only as MS-11240820357. Just last week, while I was still recovering from the trauma of my four internal medicine exams and wondering how I'm supposed to get the energy to get through my pediatrics exam and then my orals and practicals, a friend of mine called and the following conversation took place :
Friend: I have some really bad news..
Me : omg..what ? ( my mother looks really concerned at this point because according to her , I turn a deathly pale)
Friend : "...." 's father passed away , yesterday.
Me : Omg , that's horrible (at this point...the color returns to my cheeks.)
It seems totally normal except that I turned pale because I thought that our IM results had come out early for some insane reason...BUT NO , it just turns out that a colleague's father has died instead and that was actually easier news to handle for me *HeadDesk*.
I was also at a practical lesson a couple of days ago for my pediatrics exam. A child the doctor was examining started to cry ( out of fear rather than pain, we don't torture little kiddies...not yet anyway) . You know what was going through my mind while the poor kid was crying ?? " Damn, what do I do if my "exam case" starts crying ?? I'm no good with kids anyway! " . YES, I know I'm a horrible person and I'm pulling out the gun out of the drawer as we speak to prevent myself from turning into a monster. ( or at least that's what I should be doing ..or you know, looking for a cliff or a really drunk driver or something.)
Thank you, Medical School ! Thank you!
O , I almost forgot... HAPPY EID EVERYONE! :D
First of all, I'd like to wish everyone a Happy and Blessed Ramadan!
I obviously haven't been updating as often as I should because of how busy I've been for the past few weeks considering my finals are just *gulp* around the corner. I'm gonna have to take an official break from blogging for a while to spare you entries like these :
"It's been weeks now since I've seen other human beings, I'm hoping for help to come soon before it's too late."
"I keep seeing and hearing things late at night...I don't know whether it's all in my head or just all around me...the dark thing , it comes mostly at night"
"I can feel the dark thing getting nearer...I'm starting to lose hope that help will ever come. Now, no food or water either most of the time.."
"I keep seeing it in my sleep...and O GOD it's too horrible...and the worst thing is that it's inevitable!"
"It's here and ...and ...NOOoOOOoooOO!"
Yes...as you can see...I'm lotsa fun during my finals...you can even ask spellz...I stayed over a couple of nights recently and scared the crap outta the poor girl a few times while I was actually sleeping.
Like I said, I'm gonna take some time off till I at least finish my essay exams ( yeah yeah, no loss I know !) but I'll probably have some interesting stories to tell about my oral and clinical exams what with the extortionist/chronic patients who are going to be my exam topics and nepotism rearing it's ugly , shameless head all around med school especially around exam time.
Pray for me people , please! And Happy Ramadan once again.
See ya.
SO I'm having a bit of a dilemma regarding my coffee habits, my studying and the fact that I'm being examined during Ramadan.
The facts are :
-I'm being examined Internal Medicine on 27/9 , 29/9, 1/3 and 3/3.
- All of these dates will be in Ramadan of course.
- I have a vicious addiction to all forms of caffeine especially during exam time when it seems like sleeping will simple make all the bad things go bye-bye.
-Considering the size of the subject matter, I'll start the "final revision" between 5th-7th of September. I use the word "final" very loosely.
-Ramadan will most likely be on the 13th of September and iftar will range between being at 6 to being at 7.
-I'm cranky and headachy every year during the first week of Ramadan because of caffeine withdrawal. I basically look like a cocaine addict in rehab.
So...
Much obliged, people ! :D
Believe it or not kid, people are not always hiding behind house plants waiting for you to trip and fall on your face , so they could snicker and whisper about what a clumsy klutz you are.
In fact, the majority of people do in fact have lives and hardly notice you,
or the way you walk ..
or your blemishes..
or the way you tend to spill coffee on yourself when you're busy thinking..
or how your voice tends to climb up a notch or two when you're chatting enthusiastically with your friends ..
or how you still mess up your verbs and nouns when you speak Arabic...
Stop being paranoid! Stop looking over your shoulder
and for the love of God, stop worrying about what people you don't know or don't even like think about you because it takes up too much energy and too much of what precious little brain space you have to do so.
You've got your friends , you've got your family and you've got your life. Enjoy them while they're here
and keep in mind that a few a years down the road,
you'll realize that you were never nearly obnoxious enough or hideous enough to elicit complete strangers on sight ...as you tend to imagine now.
And even if you did....well, you can't really please everybody, everywhere, all the time, can you?
..So stop trying , why don't ya!?
I have an "acquaintance" in college who I considered a good friend in the first 2-3 yrs of college. We even looked a bit alike and most people thought that we were related. There was a distressing issue that she complained to me about during our first yr. Apparently, there was this guy who was always hovering around her. He showed up after she finished her sections, sat near her in lectures, bought her books she didn't ask for and even had the audacity to reproach her for not studying well after seeing her not-so-great grades when our test results were hung up on the wall after every test. She kept telling me that she wished he would just leave her alone and go away but she didn't have the heart to embarrass him. This girl was very delicate with a very low tone of voice (at the time , at least) , so I believed her. I used to encourage her to try and push him away by being harsh while dealing with him and I even offered to speak up for her if we both ran into to him together after one of our sections since most people thought we were cousins anyway. She told me she would handle it somehow but a few weeks later, she came to me horrified. Apparently, this guy was totally convinced that they had something between them to the extent that his elder sister had come to college one day to talk to her and tell her how he was a such a good guy and how much he loved her. She also told her that because they were so young, the engagement would be in the 5th year of college and marriage after they graduated. She told me how she had clearly put her food down and explained to her how it was never going to happen. I still believed her and offered my full support whenever she needed it.Fast forward to our fifth year in college. I noticed him attending our rounds instead of his a little too much. Sitting close to her in lessons one too many times. I warned her that if she didn't put up barriers, that it would happen all over again. She told me simply , " His friends are my friends and my friends are his friends , so it's O.K. now". I didn't like him and I didn't like how she was handling it but who am I to say anything? We drifted apart and even though we had different rounds, I noticed not seeing her recently at all. I asked the others if she was alright or if maybe she was sick but they said that they had seen her in lessons. Yesterday, someone mentioned that she got engaged last week and she was probably just busy. I was surprised and happy for her until a friend of mine told me she had seen the album and that he was with us in the same class in college. I asked her to describe him and lo and behold, she got engaged to her stalker.
See, I hope they get married, live happily ever after and have a truckload of little kids. I'm just really pissed about how she played me for over a year. How she just couldn't stand the attention. I feel like a complete moron whenever I remember how I offered to help her push him away.
I mean, If she enjoyed every minute of his attention and had bigger plans for both of them in the future , why make me think that she hated him ? Why did she feel the need to fool me?
I was just trying to look out for her...
"When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake." - Fight Club
Sigh...I'm such a wimp.
I have over 2 months left till I start my finals and I'm already exhibiting bizarre stress-related behaviour (which I do on a yearly basis).
A few years ago it was unexpected fits of crying and yelling. It was like having PMS for a Goddamn month and you just know that means it was ugly.(e.g. We kaman bet2oly saba7 el kheir!? )
A couple of years into college, near the end of the year , I started talking and then walking in my sleep according to my family. I woke up once to my dad banging on my room's door because I had got up in the middle of the night and locked it from the inside. Handling doors in my room while sleeping would've been O.K. if I didn't have a balcony on the other side of my room of course.
This year , God help me , it's starting early. I've got insomnia, horrible horrible insomnia. My head hurts, my eyes hurt. I can't drink too much coffee because it'll make it worse , yet I can't quit it completely because it's the only thing keeping me from going into absolute zombie mode.
What do I do when I'm up all night? Well, I'm too dizzy to work , so I either turn on the T.V. without paying attention to what's on or repeatedly open and close the fridge without really taking anything out or I try to read something I've read before so I don't really have to pay attention to the words. Mostly though , I just walk around the house aimlessly with my mp3 player playing in my ears, which makes it fantastic when my mom wakes up to see who's making all the noise (my mom always wakes up to my footsteps even if they're on the other side of the house, it's like I'm a baby elephant or something) because she creeps up behind me and I get a miniature heart attack. Thanks, Mom. Merci Keteer really.
I feel like fainting on my bed all day but as soon as my head hits the pillow , my eyes just pop open. I start to roll around,sweat and curse. Last night I came pretty close to crying. I did get about 3 hrs of interrupted sleep though so I can't complain too much.
Let me tell you though, I had my psych rounds last week and interviewing bipolar and schizophrenic patients while you're half asleep is one heck of a trip!
I tried warm baths, exercise ,reading , warm milk , not even touching the bed all day etc. but nothing's worked ,yet. I think I'm gonna try and get someone to smack me on the head tonight. We'll see how that works.
I had to post this song :
Sweet dreams, everyone.
Tagged by Om luji because incidently, I read her post lol
Can you believe that every single time I pray outside my house, some girl is waiting by to give me a cassette or give me a lecture about my hair? One girl even had the audacity (or is it the stupidity?) to ask me inside a mosque while putting on my shoes if I was a muslim. Um..well darn , you caught me! I’m really a Buddhist in disguise who came in here for the breezy atmosphere and the romantic lighting.
I should’ve asked her if she only began praying or even believing in God when she started covering her hair or maybe I should’ve just told her she was a hopeless moron. *Sigh*That’s l’esprit de l’escalier for you.
The next thing I see when I go out in the street are tons of happy happy couples. Arms around each other not a care in the world. The girls forming halves of these couples were usually girls wearing a hijab, a khemar or a 3abaya.
I’m a little confused here. So it’s not ok to leave your hair uncovered but having a guy grab you or put his arm around your waist or your neck, whisper sweet nothings into your ear and do whatever else it is you guys do together is A OK with God? I admit I maybe a little (ok VERY) uptight when it comes to PDA (public displays of affection) but shouldn’t a girl who’s so religious be just a little bit reluctant when it comes to letting a guy even hold her hand unless they’re officially married? Shouldn’t they be in the presence of their families and friends but never by themselves until they’re officially married? I’m guessing all of this goes on behind their parents’ backs as well.
I remember this professor telling us that girls should dress conservatively ( he meant wear a scarf) or else they’re figuratively letting each man passing by “have a lick”. And yes, those were his exact words. Do I understand from this rapidly spreading phenomenon that as long as you’re wearing a head cover or a 3abaya or whatever, it’s ok to give a selected few an actual “taste” before marriage (or even an engagement)?
And do the situations I’m put in make it ok for me to walk up to some random chick with a 3abaya and a guy surgically attached to her in the street and ask her if she’s a muslim because she’s got what seems to be a huge parasite (let’s call it Humanus hornyus) attached to her body? So can I, can I ?
Am I being judgemental ? Damn right I am. I tend to get that way when random people piss me off on a daily basis with their looks and their “words of wisdom”. It’s my turn, dammit!
See, I’m not against hijab or any tpe of garment a girl wears because she thinks she must in order to qualify as a good muslim as long as she’s not forced into it. I’m just sick of people preaching about appearances while everything else takes a back seat. I thought life was supposed to be about being honest with yourself rather than doing the equivalent of throwing society a bone, so they would call you a good girl and leave you alone, then sneak around and do whatever you want even though you know it’s religiously or sometimes even morally reprehensible. I thought...I thought your character was supposed to overflow on the outside instead of letting that shiny outer shell do all the work for your character or lack thereof.
Isn’t it? Or is that just not in fashion anymore?
Ma 3aleina. As one friend of mine usually says : Gayez el moftchy al OK!
